Selfish.

My solidarity and freedom are my sanity.

I’m selfish in a sense that I am too into myself to want to think about another’s happiness, in order to have mine.  This year, I told myself I wanted to travel more!  Which, I am making small strides to accomplish with my current work schedule and proper budgeting.

Sometimes I move too quick before my brain can process what I even did… And here my blurb begins.

The realization of this state of mind came when I adopted my adorable 10-month Labrador-German Shepherd puppy, Idris!  (Yes, like Idris Elba yall!)  He was everything I could ask for in a first dog – sweet, loyal, high energy, impressionable, good temperament, and CUTE!

Fast forward.  It was about 8PM on a Tuesday night and here I was, cleaning up his shit with a bottle of 409 and disinfecting wipes.  My immediate thoughts were:

“Gahdamn, his shit is huge.”

“How long am I going to do this for… Will this be my life??”

“I can’t imagine being responsible for an actual human being.”

DING DING DING.  A light went off in my head!  I do not want kids.  The thought of having a little person rely on me for their survival is too much for me to fathom.

The other day I needed to get gas and grab some groceries on the way home from work, but DUTIES CALL.  I couldn’t get to that because I had to tend to my poor puppy who had been holding his pee for eight hours.  Idris had been confined to our bathroom to avoid chewed up shoes and furniture.

Unfortunately, today I surrendered Idris at the animal shelter that I rescued him from.  I have no doubts in my mind that he will get adopted and be an amazing puppy for someone who is ready for a lifelong companion!  I honestly wanted to be the best dog mommy/owner and had so many plans for him to be trained, go to dog parks, hiking, and even Christmas card photos.  However, reality had hit me in a different way.  I was focusing on what my dog could do for me and along the way, I failed to realize what I would have to do for my dog.

I don’t do well with friction in my life and when I start to feel crippled on a choice I made, I immediately find ways to fix it.  The downside is that the only way to fix this issue was to bring it back to how life originally was.

There’s a big difference between what I wanted for Idris and what I could actually do for Idris.

To the future owner of Idris, he’s going to love you and you are the luckiest dog owner ever <3<3<3

– K

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